You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
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My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
decorating my apartment
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student