“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I think about this a lot
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Breaking news:
I only eat vegetarians.