gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
You Might Also Like
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?