You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.