No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00