May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.