Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.