Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.