My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.