Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Poetry is my passion
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.