Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
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Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
WHO DID THIS?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
oh shit
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.