Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”