I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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who did the taste test?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Bootstraps
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.