My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.