Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Thrilling chase underway
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
😂💯
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically