date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
What is going on? 😅
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.