I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?