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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
concern
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.