When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
me
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.