I can’t stop watching this.
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Inside you there are two wolves
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something