he’s doing your taxes
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
whatcha thinkin bout
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?