6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
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CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
you stereotypes are all alike
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin