I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
The internet is magic sometimes.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?