Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Growing up was a huge mistake
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
ok like just. call me at this point
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…