marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
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Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.