Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
According to math, I’m broke
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”