Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You Might Also Like
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.