Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
She was REALLY feeling it.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.