My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
girls literally only want one thing..
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management