[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.