[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Attacked by a mop.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
But that’s none of my business
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I have so many questions.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going