Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.