Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.