Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Something Saturday.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.