Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?