I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things