infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big