Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
i choose….tongue
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.