[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?