your elf on the shelf was delicious
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Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.