My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you