Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating