I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
You Might Also Like
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
brian had himself a morning…
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?