JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Bloody internet 😳
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?