did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
BaD BoY!!
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Always
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.