Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
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“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Des Moines Police having a normal one
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket