Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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The pasta is now
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.