normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The three genders
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God