You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.