looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
That was easy.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair